Physics Jokes - Part 3

Q: What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? 
A: A CaNiNe 

Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school? 
A: They required an orientation. 

Q: What would you call a clown in jail? 
A: Silicon (Silly Con) 

Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation? 
A: He works it out with a pencil. 

Q: Why is a physics book always unhappy? 
A: Because it always has lots of problems. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/physicsjokes.html

Physics Jokes - Part 2

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? 
A: Because it's in the ground state. 

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? 
A: SWAG 

Q: Where does bad light end up? 
A: In a prism. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/physicsjokes.html

Physics Jokes - Part 1

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet? 
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at sporting events? 
A: The Wave

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective? 
A: Sherlock Ohms 

Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What did the physicist snack on during lunch? 
A: A 'gram' cracker. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/physicsjokes.html

Physics Jokes and Newton

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.

Allegedly at the "Manhattan Project" where the first nuclear reactor was built, security was very tight and the workers were told not to tell their families what they were doing. During a security check the families were asked if they knew what their working parent did at work. One young lad replied that his father worked in a place that made light bulbs and toilet paper. When asked how he knew, he replied that his father brought a roll of toilet paper and a light bulb home every day in his lunch box.

When a certain nuclear physicist went on holidays he hung a sign on his laboratory door which read: "Gone Nuclear Fission."

All the physicists are playing hide and seek. Einstein is the ‘den’ and stands against the wall with his eyes closed and counts till 100 to enable all the physicists to run and hide. At the count of 100 Einstein turns around and finds Newton standing there. He screams, “Newton, you are out!” Newton says, “No, I ‘m not!” Einstein says, “Yes, you are. I can see you here in front of me”. Newton says, “I’m not out. Pascal is.” Einstein is a bit confused and starts to scratch his head and beard. Newton says “Here, Let me explain” He draws a square one meter by one meter on the floor and stands in the middle of it and says, “Newton per meter square is a Pascal, so it’s Pascal who’s out not me”

When was Heisenberg born? Oh, that's very uncertain.

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast

Chemi Jokes - Part 15

One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified add that read: "Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023."

Chemi Jokes - Part 14

A chemistry professor couldn't resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, "Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!"

Chem Jokes - Part 12

Benzene Jokes:   
Chemistry 7: A benzene ring is is a hexagonal molecule of carbon atoms with six hydrogen atoms attached to each carbon:

        H      H
         \    /
         C - C 
        /      \ 
   H - C        C - H
        \      /
         C - C
        /     \
       H       H

The formula for benzene is C₆H₆

Chemi Jokes - Part 11

Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
A: It went OK.

We would like to apologize for not adding more jokes... but we only update them.... periodically!

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na

Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon

Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!

Sources

All of math jokes it is copied from

http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html

Thanks For that Blog :)

Math Jokes - Part 19

A mathematician has spent ten years trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a proof in the four weeks. Half a year later, the devil shows up again - in a rather gloomy mood. "I'm sorry", he says. "I couldn't prove the hypothesis either. But" - and his face lightens up - "I think I found a really interesting lemma..."



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To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
 

Math Jokes - Part 18

A physicist has been conducting experiments and has worked out a set of equations which seem to explain his data. He asks a mathematician to check them. A week later, the mathematician calls "I'm sorry, but your equations are complete nonsense." "But these equations accurately predict results of experiments. Are you sure they are completely wrong? "To be precise, they are not always a complete nonsense. But the only case in which they are true is the trivial one where the field is Archimedean..."



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A mathematician belives nothing until it is proven
A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong
A chemist doesn't care
biologist doesn't understand the question.



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An engineer and a topologist were locked in the rooms for a day with a can of food but without an opener. At the end of the day, the engineer is sitting on the floor of his room and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open. In the mathematician's room, the can is still closed but the mathematician has disappeared. There are strange noises coming from inside the can... When it is opened and the mathematician crawls out. "Damn! I got a sign wrong..."



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Math Jokes - Part 17

A Mathematician was put in a room. The room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of a softball. He was told to do whatever he wants with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table. The same test is given to a Physicist. After an hour, the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, an Engineer was tested. After an hour, one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.



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A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."



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When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."



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What is the difference between a Psychotic, a Neurotic and a mathematician? A Psychotic believes that 2+2=5. A Neurotic knows that 2+2=4, but it kills him. A mathematician simply changes the base.



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Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife? A: A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing.



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Math Jokes Part - 16

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.



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New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was later discovered that he taught the students to solve their problem with the help of radicals!



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A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."



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Math Jokes - Part 14

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."



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A mathematician, an engineer, and a chemist were walking down the road when they saw a pile of cans of beer. Unfortunately, they were the old-fashioned cans that do not have the tab at the top. One of them proposed that they split up and find can openers. The chemist went to his lab and concocted a magical chemical that dissolves the can top in an instant and evaporates the next instant so that the beer inside is not affected. The engineer went to his workshop and created a new HyperOpener that can open 25 cans per second.
They went back to the pile with their inventions and found the mathematician finishing the last can of beer. "How did you manage that?" they asked in astonishment. The mathematician answered, "Oh, well, I assumed they were open and went from there."



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Math Jokes - Part 12

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" T he physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"


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One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

Math Jokes - Part 13

The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"
15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."
The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"
The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."


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Several scientists were asked to prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
 Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime. Just to be sure, try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an approximation to a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer (reading the output on the screen): 3 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 3 a is prime, 3 is a prime....
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
Chemist (or Dan Quayle): What's a prime?
Politician: "Some numbers are prime.. but the goal is to create a kinder, gentler society where all numbers are prime... "
Programmer: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working on this program, ya know... now if management would just get me that new workstation that just came out, I'd be done by now... etc., etc. ..."
(Two is the oddest prime of all, because it's the only one that's even!)



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Math Jokes - Part 11

A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture.
E: "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process"
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9"


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A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"


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Math Jokes - Part 10

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"


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A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked: "Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg. How many legs does a horse have?" The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer says "But you can't do that!


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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need. The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume. The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures. And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up.


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Math Jokes - Part 6

A mathematician is asked to design a table. He first designs a table with no legs. Then he designs a table with infinitely many legs. He spend the rest of his life generalizing the results for the table with N legs (where N is not necessarily a natural number).


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Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is pi ?"
The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7"
The physicist said: "It is 3.14159"
The mathematician thought a bit, and replied "It is equal to pi".
(A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!" )


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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.
The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.
The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.
The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.

Math Jokes - Part 7

A physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose the fire, which gave humanity the power over matter. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"

At least this time we are together with the physicist! :

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An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."


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Math Jokes - Part 9

A mathematician and an engineer are on desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer climbs up one tree, gets the coconut, eats. The mathematician climbs up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. "Now we've reduced it to a problem we know how to solve." 

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A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.
- They have multiplied, said the biologist.
- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.
- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.


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Math Jokes - Pat 8

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." 
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."


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Math Jokes - Part 4

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.


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A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leap towards the sink, filled the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, got a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

Math Jokes - Part 3

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."


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Math Jokes - Part 2

A mathematician and a Wall street broker went to races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the mathematician.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed:
"I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the mathematician asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the mathematician protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!"


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Math Jokes - Part 5

A mathematician and an engineer are on desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer climbs up one tree, gets the coconut, eats. The mathematician climbs up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. "Now we've reduced it to a problem we know how to solve." 

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A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.
- They have multiplied, said the biologist.
- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.
- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.


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Math Jokes - Part 2

A mathematician and a Wall street broker went to races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the mathematician.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed:
"I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the mathematician asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the mathematician protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!"


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Chemi Jokes - Part 10

Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.

Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.

Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
A: Carbon.

Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

Chemi Jokes - Part 10

Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.

Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.

Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
A: Carbon.

Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

Math Jokes - Part 1

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1. Definitions
Let's start with general definitions.

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Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.


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"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" (P. Erdos)
Addendum: American coffee is good for lemmas.


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An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care.


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Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.


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Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe


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Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things. -- J. H. Poincare


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What is a rigorous definition of rigor?


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There is no logical foundation of mathematics, and Gödel has proved it!


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I do not think -- therefore I am not.
Here is the illustration of this principle:
One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.


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A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.


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A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin)


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A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.


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Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.


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A law of conservation of difficulties: there is no easy way to prove a deep result.


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A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.


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Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.


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Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.


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Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.


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The actual quote from the Webster dictionary:
trillion n
syn SCAD, gob(s), heap, jillion, load(s), million, oodles, quantities, thousand, wad(s)


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Mathematics is like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state. (Plato)


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The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.


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A bit of theology. 


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Math is the language God used to write the universe.


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Asked if he believes in one God, a mathematician answered:
" Yes, up to isomorphism."


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God is real, unless proclaimed integer.


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Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad and theology makes them sinful. (Martin Luther)


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The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. (St. Augustine)


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He who can properly define and divide is to be considered a god. (Plato)


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"God geometrizes" says Plato.
and here is the analytical continuation of this saying:

Biologists think they are biochemists,
Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists,
Physical Chemists think they are Physicists,
Physicists think they are Gods,
And God thinks he is a Mathematician.

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Physicists defer only to mathematicians, mathematicians defer only to God
source :http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html 

Math Jokes - Part 1

---

1. Definitions
Let's start with general definitions.

---

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.


---

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" (P. Erdos)
Addendum: American coffee is good for lemmas.


---

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care.


---

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.


---

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe


---

Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things. -- J. H. Poincare


---

What is a rigorous definition of rigor?


---

There is no logical foundation of mathematics, and Gödel has proved it!


---

I do not think -- therefore I am not.
Here is the illustration of this principle:
One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.


---

A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.


---

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin)


---

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.


---

Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.


---

A law of conservation of difficulties: there is no easy way to prove a deep result.


---

A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.


---

Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.


---

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.


---

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.


---

The actual quote from the Webster dictionary:
trillion n
syn SCAD, gob(s), heap, jillion, load(s), million, oodles, quantities, thousand, wad(s)


---

Mathematics is like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state. (Plato)


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The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.


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A bit of theology. 


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Math is the language God used to write the universe.


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Asked if he believes in one God, a mathematician answered:
" Yes, up to isomorphism."


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God is real, unless proclaimed integer.


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Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad and theology makes them sinful. (Martin Luther)


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The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. (St. Augustine)


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He who can properly define and divide is to be considered a god. (Plato)


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"God geometrizes" says Plato.
and here is the analytical continuation of this saying:

Biologists think they are biochemists,
Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists,
Physical Chemists think they are Physicists,
Physicists think they are Gods,
And God thinks he is a Mathematician.

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Physicists defer only to mathematicians, mathematicians defer only to God

Chemi Jokes - Part 9

Q: What is "HIJKLMNO"?
A: H2O.

Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?
A:C over lambda.

Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
A: By subsisting on titrations.

Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.

Chemi Jokes - Part 8

Q: Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

Florence Flask was getting ready for the opera. All of a sudden, she screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!" The husband replied, "Calm down, honey. We'll find a solution."

Q: If H₂0 is water, what is H₂0₄?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.

Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

Q: What did one titration say to the other?
A: "Let's meet at the endpoint."

Q: What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?
A: Breaking up is hard to do.

Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.

Chemi Jokes - Part 7

Q: Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

Florence Flask was getting ready for the opera. All of a sudden, she screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!" The husband replied, "Calm down, honey. We'll find a solution."

Q: If H₂0 is water, what is H₂0₄?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.

Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

Q: What did one titration say to the other?
A: "Let's meet at the endpoint."

Q: What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?
A: Breaking up is hard to do.

Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.

Chemi Jokes - Part 6

Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel.

Q: If H₂O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H₂O cubed.

Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
A: OH SNaP!

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".

Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
A: Barium

 Source : Same like part 5

Chemi Jokes - Part 5

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.

As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.

The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

Source part 3/4/5 : http://inorganicventures.com/tech/chemistry-jokes

.... Chemistry

SOAL – SOAL

1.      Sebanyak 16,4 gram Ca(NO₃)₂ dilarutkan dalam air hingga volumenya menjadi 250mL. Jika diketahui Mr Ca(NO₃)₂  = 164. Konsentrasi larutan tersebut adalah……

a.       0,004 mol

b.      0,1 mol

c.       0,4 mol

d.      0,3 mol

e.       4 mol

2.        Untuk mengubah 10 mL larutan H₂SO₄  8 mol menjadi 5 Mol , diperlukan air sebanyak……

a.        3 mL

b.       4 mL

c.        5 mL

d.       6 mL

e.        7 mL

3.      Jika anda mencampurkan 150 mL larutan NaCl 0,2 M dan 250 mL larutan NaCl      0,6 M, berapakah kemolaran NaCl setelah dicampurkan.....

a.       0,4  M

b.      0,45 M

c.       0,5 M

d.      0,55 M

e.       0, 6 M

4.      Dalam suatu praktikum kimia, seorang siswa memasukkan 8 gram zat A ( Ar A = 65 ) ke dalam tabung reaksi berisi 200 mL larutan HCl 2 M. setelah reaksi berlangsung 2 menit, zat masih tersisa sebanyak 1,5 gram. Berapakah laju zat A…..

a.       4,2 x 10^-3 Ms ^-1

b.      1,8 x 10^-3 Ms ^-1

c.       3,6 x 10^-3 Ms ^-1

d.      4,8 x 10^-3 Ms ^-1

e.       5,6 x 10^-3 Ms ^-1

5.      Diketahui persamaan reaksi penguraian senyawa SO₃ adalah

2 SO₃  à 2 SO₂  +  O₂

Tentukan perbandingan laju perubahan konsentrasi  SO₃  : SO₂ :  O₂ .......

a.       2 : 2 : 1

b.      1 : 2 : 2

c.       1 : 2 : 1

d.      2 : 1 : 2

e.       1 : 1 : 2

6.      Data eksperimen untuk reaksi :

2 A_(g)  +  B_(g) à 2AB_(g)

Terdapat dalam tabel berikut :

Perco-baan	[A] awal (M)	[B] awal (M)	Laju Reaksi (Ms -1)
1	0,1	0,1	6
2	0,1	0,2	12
3	0,1	0,3	18
4	0,2	0,1	24
5	0.3	0,1	54

Dari data tersebut dapat disimpulkan bahwa persamaan laju reaksinya adalah...........

a.       v = k [A]²

b.      v = k [B]

c.       v = k [A] [B]

d.      v = k [A] [B]²

e.       v = k [A]²  [B]

7.      Jika diketahui :

I.                    A₂  + 2B à 2AB                   Kc = 4

Tentukan nilai Kc pada persamaan : 2A₂ + 4B à 4AB..........

a.        4

b.      16

c.       32

d.      126

e.       64

8.      Lihat persaman I. Diatas

Tentukan nilai Kc pada persamaan : A₂ + B à AB..........

a.       4

b.      2

c.       8

d.      16

e.       32

9.      A_(g) + B_(g) à AB_(g) ΔH = -X kJ/M

Jika suhunya dinaikkan dan tekanan diturunkan kearah manakah pergeseran yang terjadi.....

a.       ß, ß

b.      à, ß

c.       à, à

d.      ß,à

e.       à, tetap

10.  Tuliskan Kp untuk reaksi : 2C(_s) + 2 O_2(g) < --- > 2CO_{2 (g)} …………

a.       Kp = (P O₂ )²

   (P CO₂)²

b.      Kp = (P CO₂ )²

c.       Kp = (P O₂  )²

d.      Kp =     (P CO₂ )²        a 

  (P C)² (P O₂ )²   

e.       Kp =   (P CO₂ )² 

      (P O₂ )²